Thursday, August 04, 2005

Dylan & Caeden

Here is The Princess and The Prince. Yes, she is hugging him and strangling him all in the same moment. I think this picture sums up the sibling relationship perfectly.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Waking Up and Waiting

So it's almost midnight, and I should have gone to bed a few hours ago, but i haven't figured out my life yet, so I'm still awake. Actually Chris and I spent the last few hours talking about our collective life, and finally we figured that if we didn't have clarity by 11PM then more talking was probably not going to help tonight. We may have to resort to another round of praying and listening and just spend another day in the land of waiting. But just one more day because then I've had it! I mean really. What does God think He's doing making everything such a complete mystery! It is maddening I tell you, and I won't have any more of it!...... Wouldn't it be funny if we could "lobby" God. Or even if we could reason with him? I think God just has a big ol'chuckle when I get upity with him. I do try to be humble. I really do. I pray and I am quiet and I breathe. But the whole time what is going on in that other half of my brain, the half that thinks we should be able to reason with him, is "O.K. Look how patient I am being. See? Wow, that prayer sounded good! We are really getting somewhere now! This time, he's definately going to see how serious I am and how patient I have been and he is surely going to give me some clear direction because I deserve it." And then I wait. And I expect some kind of wisdom to be revealed. And right about that time the cat starts yowling, or the children break into the room and start yelling, or the phone starts ringing, and my carefully orchestrtated plan to woo God into giving away one of his secrets is blown to smitherenes. And as I fuss with whatever entity has invaded my psychic space, I hear him chuckle. Then when I am calmer, I feel him pat my head and tell me that he is not hiding anything from me. And I just have to wait.

Asking questions is good. It means you are awake. I haven't shared my thoughts for awhile, partly because I wasn't fully awake yet, and partly because I have been very busy waiting. For some reason, I think it is time for me to get some more folks in on this waiting thing. At least we could have some fun together while we wait. Anybody got some cards? And while we play, and we wait, I'll share a bit of what I am waiting for and maybe you can share some too. What do you say?

Friday, October 08, 2004

Life With A Princess

Let me just give you a small taste of my life. I was awakened this morning at 7 am (which is a time by the way that I still find offensive, even after years of being a parent) to the sound of my daughters voice saying, "Mommy, we have to find me a country to run." She said it in a very matter of fact kind of way. As if she were saying, "Mommy, we need to go and buy me some new shoes." But no. It is a country that she is in search of , and she holds the strongest conviction that her idea is absolutely possible. Let me explain. We had just watched "The Princess Diaries" and in the movie a young girl finds that her father, who she never met, was actually the crowned prince of a small country called Genovia. In the movie the young girl must choose whether she will accept her title and assume her place of royalty in this small beautiful country. Oh my, but did I have dreams like that when I was young! And I sat up and looked at her and my stomach just lurched. I remember when I thought that such dreams could come true. If I only wished hard enough! And then the awful pain and disappointment of finding out what a wretched, depraved world we really have came crashing down. And all of the lightness of being that had made me run through life without ever really touching the ground disappeared and I knew fear and hurt and betrayal. Right now, Dylan is a princess. There is no disputing it. And I affirm it. And I say things like, "Being a princess is ultimately a state of being. It has to do with the way one behaves and treats others." And I remind her with my brightest smile that because God in heaven is our father, and the King of Kings, that we are true royalty, even if we don't get to run small beautiful countries and live in palaces. But honestly, that doesn't even satisfy me. I still wish I could give her something right now. I wish that she didn't have to grow up and see this world in such a mess. Oh yeah, I know that in heaven it will all be great and worth it, blah, blah, blah. But she is six. And she sees the part of the world that is not broken. And I wish that she could just go on doing that - for my sake. You see, I will have to be there when her heart breaks and it all comes into focus, and today that is just a bitter pill to swallow. I suppose that after all is said and done, I will just have to enjoy my life with this princess right now. And one day, when the veil is lifted, I pray that she falls into the arms of Jesus and rides the rest of the way to heaven seeing things through the Fathers eyes. Yeah, when I buck up, I know how it has to go. It's just that today, I wish there were new countries to find. Just today..

Sunday, September 19, 2004

First Post

Well, here I am. I feel like a kid on her first day of school. I have never "blogged" before, so please forgive me if I am not as smooth a writer as some of you who's postings I have had the privledge to read. I have been urged on by my husband, who has become an avid blogger, to "express myself and let my voice be heard - to become a part of this ongoing conversation between people who seem to be very much like us". To be honest, I was skeptical at first. However, I have watched what the gift of expression has done for my husband, and it has been truly remarkable. So, here I am. I am not very good at sharing unfinished thoughts -I always what them to be clear and shining like a new penny. But I know enough about my myself, and God knows me so much better than that, that I can recognize the need to push myself to precisley those placed where I am least comfortable. I will not look upon this as a jounal. I hate journalling. I simply cannot write legibly. I'm serious. I have tried. My six year old daughter can form letters better than I can. I sit there trying to write out my thoughts on paper and all those horrible critic voices come into my head and they are so appalled by my terrible penmanship they can't even speak, they laughing so hard! No, I will try to use this as a place to share some of the cool moments that just need to be shared, to express some of my ideas and opinions, of which there are many, and to participate in the conversation as it unfolds.

A short note on Plaible Steel. I am not a gushy person. I have faced down big lifesized monsters, and I am not prone to emotional outbursts. However, there are two things that can cut through my strong woman facade: Jesus, and my husband. O.K. maybe four things, if I include my children. Sometimes I forget this - but not today. Today I was reminded of just how quickly my heart of steel can be penetrated. This morning my husband was playing a song on the stereo as we were getting ready for church. I really like this time of the morning because, while I am putting on my mascara, I can't really sing along - I just have to listen and sometimes, I have learned, listening is a good thing. The song was this beautiful tune and the lyrics were about how everything we have is a gift from God - the very breath we breath being a gift from Him - and the singer was expressing this intense desire to turn all of those gifts around and pour them back on to God because He is so amazing. It sounds simple now, but at the time the truth if these words just struck me. It kind of cut through me - straight to my heart and suddenly I was crying and Chris was hugging me and he laughed and said " I love that you love Jesus so much". I laughed too. First, because now I had to start all over on my mascara, and second because in these moments I am reminded of just how great God is. He made me strong for many good reasons, and I am grateful for those strengths. But He also knows exactly how to reach me. Without my knowledge or consent, He somehow made me plaible enough to be reachable, and his persistance in this endeavor is what saved my life. Things that are strong and brittle will break. Therefore, if something is to be truly strong, it must be plaible enough to be moved when the time comes. Jesus can move me. And it is a good thing, even if it messes up my mascara. ie, the name Pliable Steel was the first thing that came to mind.